Finding Freedom.

Last night I did something really difficult. I obeyed. I obeyed God in the fullness of what he says in 1 Corinthians 5, which is something I've been afraid to do until now. But God said it, so what's it going to take? I was so dreading it, but now... I've never felt more alive and filled and blessed. God will take care of it because I obeyed, just like he promises in Romans 2.

Sometimes God asks us to do really challenging things and we feel like we're being ordered around or restrained. 
After all, we're doing what we're doing because we chose it, right? 
We have the power to stop when we want, right? 
It's not so bad, right? 
We're in control, right?
It's not fair for God to take that from us, right?

False.

1 Corinthians 7 says that we were slaves to sin until Christ saved us and made us slaves to him instead. From one slavery to the next? Doesn't sound too great.. until we keep reading. Our slavery is really son-ship because we've been adopted (Romans 8:15) and we obey our Father because we love him and we choose to (1 John 5). And this is true freedom because, although the law came to condemn sin in us (Romans 8), it is ultimately for freedom that we've been set free (Galatians 5).

It's that very freedom bubbles up and makes me strong. It fills me up even as I let go of the things that used to "fill" me. I don't need them anymore.

For the longest time I knew the sin that "filled" me was a temporary fix, but I waited on consequences to "bring me around" to righteousness. "Once I hurt, I'll stop." But if you know the end result needs to be repentance and redemption, then why go through the pain of getting there? It is far better to make a tangible change now in faith that God will fill you better than sin might.

And he will.

Obedience is crazy because it's totally a choice. But it's so worth it. It takes a lot of pressure off too because it puts the follow through back on God, and he blesses it.

God becomes enough. You don't really need anyone else. Don't get me wrong, people are great. In fact, we need them to hold us accountable to the things we claim as truth - they keep us from being hypocrites. They are also necessary since we are called to love and serve one another (Galatians 5) - how can we love our neighbor if we don't have one? But our neighbor isn't what makes us whole. Our neighbor isn't our hope, our security, our joy... They're our mission that God alone prepares us for.

So now we come to it:
Who are you really serving?
Are you who you say you are?
Is God really your God?
If he is, is his word really his words?
If they are, then what the heck are you doing?

All throughout the New Testament the Bible says you're either a child of God or you're not (read it for yourself!!) - there is no in between. Who are we to hold on to our "little sins" because they make us feel good? How selfish. And untrue. They aren't genuinely fulfilling and we know it. They hurt us and keep us from helping others. It's hard to let go... but... it's really not. We need to so... why not?

If we believe it, we need to believe all of it. If we obey it, we need to obey all of it. If we love God, we need to love him with all we are, not just the pieces we're willing to give.

So how about it: are you in or out?

Boaz

A couple weeks ago I had made a post called Haughty Waves and Hearts. In that post I had mentioned a study I'd done on the book of Ruth, and have received feedback that some people would like to see what I came up with, so here it is!

In chapter one we meet Ruth. Her husband and his brother had died, leaving both her and her sister-in-law widows along with their poor mother-in-law, Naomi, who had also been widowed shortly before. Naomi released her daughters-in-law, telling them to go home to their own people and gods, and find happiness. Ruth stayed. She stayed even though the main goal of a woman in that day (and this one.. who are we kidding?) was to be married. She followed Naomi and her God even though the odds were stacked against her remarriage.

      When God leads you, don't let your hope for romance alter you decision, or - rather - don't allow that desire to alter your willingness to be led. Just go. Think of the kingdom and how to serve others - not yourself.

In chapter two Ruth unintentionally finds herself in Boaz's field who - with no ulterior motive of his own - shows her kindness in the name of the God they serve in common. He tells his workers to respect her, to not embarrass her, to treat her like a lady.

      When you find a good man, he will go out of his way to benefit you simply because it's right. He doesn't do it because he's hoping for a "future" with you. He does it because he's a gentleman. Also, you need to be equally yoked. You must serve the same God with the same heart, or you will never know peace or unity.

In chapter three Mama Naomi devises a match-making plot which Ruth obeys. As the plan unfolds, Ruth finds herself completely at the mercy of Boaz - both physically and reputation-wise. Though he could have greedily taken Ruth immediately, Boaz does what is right. He respects her body and admits that there may be a man better suited for her. He does her unselfish kindness and preserves her good character. He doesn't take advantage of her. 

      In the same way, a godly man will recognize what healthy and righteous courses of action are, even if you give him the opportunity to act on impulse. He won't use you. He also has your best in mind, and realizes that he may not be it. He's open to God's best for you, no matter what that is.

In the final chapter, Boaz surrounds himself with respectable men and gives another family member who is "more qualified" to marry Ruth the opportunity to do so. He speaks well of her, calling her a "noble woman". Trusting in the Lord to take as He saw fit, Boaz was willing to let Ruth go - because though he loved her, he loved the will of the Lord more. The man in question refused, however, so the right to marry Ruth automatically passed on to Boaz. Only after receiving the legal green light and marrying Ruth in proper order did Boaz go to her sexually. And then, the Lord allowed her to conceive. The child was a gift. Born out of obedience.

      A godly man won't take from you physically before you exchange vows. Why? Because he doesn't need to. He is receiving his fullness from Christ, and there are no "holes" for you to fill in his heart. Boaz was fine before Ruth came along, such will be the case for the godly man, and such should be the case for a godly you. God should be your everything, you shouldn't be looking. Your godly man won't use your body for pleasure. Sexuality is a privilege you receive after marriage, and the children that result from it are gifts that God allows you to have - not something accidents smite you with. 

Haughty Waves and Hearts.

Tonight I sat by the ocean with God.

He walked me through Ruth and showed me some crazy things about walking in his will and being selfless, especially in regards to relationships. If you'd like to read those, click here. But really blew my mind is what happened after I put the books down.

As usual, I asked God what he wanted to do next. He told me to go stand by the water. First of all, as I approached the waves I was filled with overwhelming awe and gratefulness to live where I do. I felt so small, but simultaneously significant standing there by that big blue.

It was what happened when I rolled my jeans to my knees and stood where the waves could lap my feet, however, that shook my heart - I stood there watching the waves. They were chaotic, their timing unmeasured, their spacing erratic. They stumbled and ricocheted off one another like unsteady children who had spun in circles and were now wildly dancing. Dodging, leaping, singing. They danced this way from out to sea towards where I stood until their haphazard legs could carry them no further. There on the shoreline they collapsed in a thunderous heap, flinging bits of foam five to six feet into the air, and spilling the waters they'd held in their arms onto the sand before them. This water rushed to my feet like eager hands intent on pulling me back in with them, but by the time they'd reached me they only had the strength to gently lap over and caress my toes before returning to where the next line of dancing squalls were hurling themselves onto the sand.

As I watched I began to notice a pattern: each time the waves crashed the backwash from the previous waves would counteract their forward rush, eating away at it until they finally met at the exact location that the crashes occurred. At this point the next wave, no longer impeded by the residual effects of its predecessor would stampede towards my legs excitedly. It was at this precise moment that my instinct told me to rip my feet free from the small hole they'd been sinking into, and escape the oncoming offender.

But my God told me, "No. Stay put."

It all happened in an instant, but that was all the helpless terror that immediately seized my heart needed to make its impression. The greedy wave swirled up and around my legs violently before retreating to its comrades. I looked down at my pant legs and was astonished to see that the water had literally stopped at the bottom of my rolled up jeans.

And the Lord spoke, "If you stand where I have placed you, nothing will ever be too much for you to handle. Things are scary from a distance, but I will cut them down before you so that by the time they reach you my hand will sustain your heart. I want to give you all that you need to forgive and  love the waves life sends you because I am God, and you are my daughter."

"Who shut in the sea with doors when it burst out from the womb, when I made clouds its garment and thick darkness its swaddling band, and prescribed limits for it and set bars and doors, and said, "Thus far shall you come, and no farther, and here shall your proud waves be stayed?"

(Job 38:8-11)

Black Lights and Big Bugs.

Did you know that scorpions glow in the dark? You do now.

Another thing you might not know, is that I'm a teacher in training. I love what I do. In addition to lesson planning and teaching, I've been trying to experience as many events as I can while I'm still "learning". This last week was no different. Last Thursday was STEM (science, technology, engineering, math) night, and I loved it with all my heart!

I'll admit, I participated originally out of obligation and a desire to be as "visible" as possible, but by the end of the evening I would've happily done it again for the sole purpose of exploring and appreciating the wonders of God's great creation (insects, obviously) with his little children. 

I was given rule over the Emperor Scorpion station - complete with real, live scorpion and black light. This in and of itself was exciting until the woman in charge, as she was briefing me on my 30 second spiel, shined the black light on my little sable specimen. Much to my delight, he turned my favorite shade of blue.

I was sold. 

I excitedly waited at my unassuming station all the way in the farthest corner of the cafeteria for the event to start. My host teacher, who had so very graciously volunteered her cheer-hearted time as well, meandered over to me and asked where she needed to go for her station assignment. 

I pointed her in the direction of the woman I'd spoken to, but before she turned to leave I waved my hand excitedly over my box, "They gave me a live scorpion!" I said ecstatically, "Want to see him?" 

"No thank you," came the short response.

Undaunted, I continued, "He glows in the dark!!"

My host teacher raised a brow, and said immediately with the most unimpressed tone imaginable, "Isn't that special." before turning abruptly in pursuit of the events coordinator. 

I blinked, shook my head, and pulled my little scorpion (who was actually not so little at all - about four inches in length) closer to myself on the table. "There, there," I assured him, "The children will love you."

And they did.

The first few visitors began to trickle in. Students rushed to teachers they knew, and stations that looked evidently more intriguing than my small box and black rod. When they did finally make their way to me, however, not one was disappointed. Minute after minute I watched new pairs of eyes, both young and old, light up in wonder at the mystery of nature. I spewed the facts I'd been given along with a few of my own that I'd looked up in the moments I had between the children and their parents. 

Then my kids came.

 About 8 children from my class showed up and came skipping over to see Miss Becca and gasp at her glowing scorpion. One of them even ran between my station and the others picking up friends to bring them over and make them believers. I was sad to see the night end, but I left with such a feeling of accomplishment. The next morning, however, really topped it off when some of the students who had been there greeted my host teacher (who had also manned an apparently less gripping station for the night) at the door by exclaiming, "Did you see Miss Becca's scorpion last night? It was the coolest thing ever!!"

Yes it was, children. Yes it was.

Selah.

Yesterday I sat broken before God in a beach access parking lot in my little blue cavalier. I know life isn't fair. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33. I know it's not about me. "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." - 1 Corinthians 10:31 and "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." - Philippians 2:3-4. I know that it doesn’t matter what people have done to me, I need to forgive them. “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” – Colossians 3:13. And I know God’s perfect love is all I truly need.

But Lord, I’ve been wounded!

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’“ 2 Corinthians 12:9

That was my heart to heart with God in a nutshell – me acknowledging his perfection to his face and begging for his grace to heal me because people have left me bleeding.

It’s not fair.

It’s not. But I had told a 5-year-old that very same afternoon that life wasn’t fair, and we had to make the best of it (she was losing to her classmates at a game of word bingo – don’t think I’m running a Kindergarten boot camp or something…) My own words.. yet again.

This is where it gets exciting.

After holding me in the car, and whispering in my ear “It will be okay. I am enough. You’re fine. You’re fine. You’re fine.” God drew me out of my metal shelter and onto the beach of cold, sticking sand and a wild, whipping gale. I sat with Him on the steps, cradling my face in my hands. I stared at the ground beneath me. Silent. I allowed the Lord to take the stage, and with every gust of wind He caressed my heart: “I want to be close to you. I’m always right here waiting. I want to reveal myself to you. You just need to sit with me.” Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. “I want you to see me. I love you.” Every gust, every word – they surrounded me and golden lights danced across my lashes.

“Get up and find a stone,” He said.

So I did.

And into that stone I poured my pain, my sadness, my distrust, my jealousy, my disgust, my contempt, my hatred. I clutched it between my palms, my eyes fixed on the tumultuous waves before me – they were a reflection of my heart at that moment. They illustrated the emotions I was releasing, and the bondage I was being released from. Suddenly, I was free. With a swift, sweeping motion I hurled the stone to be swallowed by the thundering swells.

And it was gone.

A smile spread across my face as I slowly turned and began to trudge back up to the stairs. My feet sunk in the sand as I did and God said, “The world will weigh and pull on you, but I have made you strong.” The wind swirled around my legs and God said, “The enemy, he is the prince of the power of the air, but he holds no power over you. You are mine.”

Now, whenever I feel those negative thoughts creeping in, I slam the door in their faces because I cast them out to sea. They hold no power over me now. I’ve been filled with better things: love, joy, and peace.

“Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” and “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.” – 2 Corinthians 10:5 and Philippians 4:8

Locusts and Lions.

Today I let my Bible fall open, not knowing what to read, and it landed in Joel.
Isn't it glorious how the Lord knows our hearts better than we do? The first chapter of Joel paints pictures of desolation. Of locusts and lions. These locusts, they steal away our joy. These lions, they bite our backs. I don't know about you, but I've experienced such pain. Surely not in as violent a manner as many others have, but my mind has been invaded by armies before, and my heart has been shaken. People and circumstances hurt.

This morning I taught 4 and 5-year-olds. If you know anything about this age group, you'll know that tattling runs rampant among their ranks. So, I had a pep talk with my class this morning. I informed them that first and foremost they were responsible for their own behavior, not the behavior of someone else. I also told them that I have eyes. I can see when someone is misbehaving, and I will deal with it as I see fit. Everyone is different (there is a child who comes from time to time that has special needs) so I will correct each child according to what is appropriate for them personally.

"Point to yourself and say 'me'. (Me!) Who are you responsible for? (ME!!) Good, you are responsible for you! I will take care of everything else."

This afternoon God spoke those very same words right back to me:
"Becca, you worry about your own behavior, no one else. They are my children, I will deal with them as I see fit. Everyone is different, but ultimately everyone answers to me. Not you. You will not tattle to me. I have eyes, don't I? Trust me."

Yes God.

Along those lines, a call to repentance is made in Joel 2:13 -

"Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity."

God doesn't want a show - he wants our humility. He wants us to be honest with him and with ourselves. To answer to Christ inwardly instead of bragging (and tattling) outwardly. Following this, in verse 25, God says,

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten..."

How many years do we lose to self-pity and discord and bitterness and disobedience? How many years? How long do we hate the locusts? How long do we despise the lions? How much time do we waste?

Stop.

God wants to mend you. God wants to make you whole. God wants to give you back the time you lost in bitterness and make you new. Deal with your own heart, and leave God to deal with others. In his own time. Because you can trust him.

My Heart Rhymes Sometimes.

Although at first meant not I this,
   now unto me it be a kiss
that warm me from my vein to flesh.
   No more begrudgingly to bless.
These words that once no substance had
   wash o're my soul and make me glad.
No longer spoke from obligation
   they bring about my restoration.
Though blind may be their recipient,
   I release regardless of repent.
No further I the object harmed.
   Lower my sword, retract my arms.
Relinquish I the right to hate
   through humbleness and mercy great.
No longer I the stubborn mule
   I offer my forgiveness full.

Matthew 5:44 - "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."