Selah.

Yesterday I sat broken before God in a beach access parking lot in my little blue cavalier. I know life isn't fair. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33. I know it's not about me. "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." - 1 Corinthians 10:31 and "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." - Philippians 2:3-4. I know that it doesn’t matter what people have done to me, I need to forgive them. “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” – Colossians 3:13. And I know God’s perfect love is all I truly need.

But Lord, I’ve been wounded!

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’“ 2 Corinthians 12:9

That was my heart to heart with God in a nutshell – me acknowledging his perfection to his face and begging for his grace to heal me because people have left me bleeding.

It’s not fair.

It’s not. But I had told a 5-year-old that very same afternoon that life wasn’t fair, and we had to make the best of it (she was losing to her classmates at a game of word bingo – don’t think I’m running a Kindergarten boot camp or something…) My own words.. yet again.

This is where it gets exciting.

After holding me in the car, and whispering in my ear “It will be okay. I am enough. You’re fine. You’re fine. You’re fine.” God drew me out of my metal shelter and onto the beach of cold, sticking sand and a wild, whipping gale. I sat with Him on the steps, cradling my face in my hands. I stared at the ground beneath me. Silent. I allowed the Lord to take the stage, and with every gust of wind He caressed my heart: “I want to be close to you. I’m always right here waiting. I want to reveal myself to you. You just need to sit with me.” Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. “I want you to see me. I love you.” Every gust, every word – they surrounded me and golden lights danced across my lashes.

“Get up and find a stone,” He said.

So I did.

And into that stone I poured my pain, my sadness, my distrust, my jealousy, my disgust, my contempt, my hatred. I clutched it between my palms, my eyes fixed on the tumultuous waves before me – they were a reflection of my heart at that moment. They illustrated the emotions I was releasing, and the bondage I was being released from. Suddenly, I was free. With a swift, sweeping motion I hurled the stone to be swallowed by the thundering swells.

And it was gone.

A smile spread across my face as I slowly turned and began to trudge back up to the stairs. My feet sunk in the sand as I did and God said, “The world will weigh and pull on you, but I have made you strong.” The wind swirled around my legs and God said, “The enemy, he is the prince of the power of the air, but he holds no power over you. You are mine.”

Now, whenever I feel those negative thoughts creeping in, I slam the door in their faces because I cast them out to sea. They hold no power over me now. I’ve been filled with better things: love, joy, and peace.

“Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” and “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.” – 2 Corinthians 10:5 and Philippians 4:8

Locusts and Lions.

Today I let my Bible fall open, not knowing what to read, and it landed in Joel.
Isn't it glorious how the Lord knows our hearts better than we do? The first chapter of Joel paints pictures of desolation. Of locusts and lions. These locusts, they steal away our joy. These lions, they bite our backs. I don't know about you, but I've experienced such pain. Surely not in as violent a manner as many others have, but my mind has been invaded by armies before, and my heart has been shaken. People and circumstances hurt.

This morning I taught 4 and 5-year-olds. If you know anything about this age group, you'll know that tattling runs rampant among their ranks. So, I had a pep talk with my class this morning. I informed them that first and foremost they were responsible for their own behavior, not the behavior of someone else. I also told them that I have eyes. I can see when someone is misbehaving, and I will deal with it as I see fit. Everyone is different (there is a child who comes from time to time that has special needs) so I will correct each child according to what is appropriate for them personally.

"Point to yourself and say 'me'. (Me!) Who are you responsible for? (ME!!) Good, you are responsible for you! I will take care of everything else."

This afternoon God spoke those very same words right back to me:
"Becca, you worry about your own behavior, no one else. They are my children, I will deal with them as I see fit. Everyone is different, but ultimately everyone answers to me. Not you. You will not tattle to me. I have eyes, don't I? Trust me."

Yes God.

Along those lines, a call to repentance is made in Joel 2:13 -

"Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity."

God doesn't want a show - he wants our humility. He wants us to be honest with him and with ourselves. To answer to Christ inwardly instead of bragging (and tattling) outwardly. Following this, in verse 25, God says,

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten..."

How many years do we lose to self-pity and discord and bitterness and disobedience? How many years? How long do we hate the locusts? How long do we despise the lions? How much time do we waste?

Stop.

God wants to mend you. God wants to make you whole. God wants to give you back the time you lost in bitterness and make you new. Deal with your own heart, and leave God to deal with others. In his own time. Because you can trust him.

My Heart Rhymes Sometimes.

Although at first meant not I this,
   now unto me it be a kiss
that warm me from my vein to flesh.
   No more begrudgingly to bless.
These words that once no substance had
   wash o're my soul and make me glad.
No longer spoke from obligation
   they bring about my restoration.
Though blind may be their recipient,
   I release regardless of repent.
No further I the object harmed.
   Lower my sword, retract my arms.
Relinquish I the right to hate
   through humbleness and mercy great.
No longer I the stubborn mule
   I offer my forgiveness full.

Matthew 5:44 - "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."

Faith the Size of a Bean.

I'm interning this semester in a Kindergarten class full of the most adorable bright-eyed 5-year-olds in the world. On Monday I taught my very own, 100% Becca science lesson plan on what seeds need to grow.

We began by reading a story about a rainbow garden, which elicited many ooh's and ah's as I turned the colorful pages.

Next we watched a short movie on what plants need to grow. Unfortunately, though I had previewed the entire video the week before, I clicked on the "with titles" version not knowing it would be different. The content was the same, but between every "section" a monotone female voice would herald what was coming next... "A boy is drinking water", came the bored narration. This was unsettling to me at first because her interjections didn't blend with the original narrator lady in the least. I had just finally convinced myself not to be bothered, rationalizing that the children wouldn't pick up on it, only to be affronted by Miss Monotone announcing "a white question mark wiggles on the screen" during the Question-the-Class segment of the video, which was just downright dumb sounding. I paused the video (to question the class) and glanced sheepishly at my host teacher before continuing. Oh well.

To conclude the lesson plan each child received their very own plastic baggie with their very own name on it to put their very own seed inside. The idea was to "plant" the seeds (beans in this case) in the safety of a dampened paper towel, and set the bags under the skylight to grow. The lady at Lowe's had told me these beans would grow the fastest out of all the garden section had to offer, so for $3.12 I provided my children with their choice of two different colored beans.

The day concluded without a hitch and I was feeling really good about myself until I got home and read the back of one of the bean packages: "germination 6-8 days"

Well crap.

The thought of my 5-year-olds returning to school the next day, and rushing to their baggies only to discover that nothing had happened was unbearably embarrassing. So I prayed. I thought it was ridiculous at first (so did my parents) but then I reminded myself how Jesus told us to have the faith of a child. That night before bed I picked up my phone and opened my Bible app. The verse of the day was in John 14, so I read the entire chapter for good measure. This is what God gave me:

"Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." - John 14:12-15

I don't think I've ever prayed so fervently in my life (except for the time I asked God every night to turn me into a pony, and that other time I prayed every second for my mom to get well enough to come home from the hospital). I must've prayed every hour for those darn beans to change overnight. Anything, God, anything!

I arrived at school the next day, and - just as I was sure my Kindergarteners would - I rushed to the skylight.
There were no sprouts, but a yellow ring had formed on the paper towels around every single bean. Odd. I'm still not sure what it means other than that it gave my kids something to document and rave about in their science notebooks. Either way it was enough for me.

So here I am, giving God the glory through what I prayed for in the name of his Son! God answers our prayers, even if it isn't always in the ways we had hoped for or expected.

Date Night.

How much time do you dedicate to your friends both in person, on the phone, and through social networking sites? The answer is: quite a bit, most likely (unless you're a hopeless introvert, in which case my point has been ruined. thanks a lot).

Now, how much time do you dedicate to God, period? For most of us, the answer to this question is frightfully embarrassing. Why is it that we treat the Creator of the Universe and the Lover of our souls so much like a goldfish? We thrust our grimy fingers into our cans of time and resource doling out occasional pinches of dedication. On Sundays, we might even exchange a few words. Religiously permeated, half-hearted words at that:

"God thank you for your love, now bless me for the week!"

In Acts 17:27-28, God's word tells us that it is His will that we "would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being"

This word seek directly translates from the original Greek psēlaphaō which means to "handle, touch, and feel". God isn't someone we experience second-hand; He is someone that we should strive to be close to. Someone we should touch.

One of our most valuable resources is time. Why are we so stingy when it comes to our Lord and Savior? Is it because we have grown so comfortable with the idea of a Pocket-God that we can pull out to pray to whenever we are afraid or feel we deserve something? This should not be. It is God's will for us that we spend time in his presence. That we feel out his character and become more like him. At the end of John 14, Jesus speaks of the Comforter he will send: his Holy Spirit.

Galatians 5:25 states: "Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit."

This keep in step, stoicheō, directly translates as "to march to like a soldier" and "direct one's life according to". How can we march if we don't listen?

Last week I decided to dedicate concerted effort to listening. I decided to go on a date with God.

I began the evening by turning down and invitation to go somewhere with friends (how ironic) by triumphantly announcing that I was going on a date with Jesus (which had made it's way onto my calendar, it was so official). This outburst was met by some hesitant, but reassuring smiles and "well you two have fun then!" As I strode proudly from the house, the question, "Where are you guys gonna go?" trailed behind me. I paused only a moment to toss, "I don't know, we haven't decided yet" back over my shoulder.
I got into my car and shut the door. I voiced the question again to God: "So.. Where exactly are we going to go, Lord?"
"Turn the car on and start driving."
I blinked. And started the car, "Can you at least tell me which way I should turn to get out of the driveway?"
"Turn right."
Another curveball. "Right? But.. God, I always go left! I don't even know what's to the right? How will we get coffee if I go right?"
"You asked me where to go..."
So I turned right. As soon as I obeyed, Jesus revealed exactly where he had in mind for me to go. A beachy little ice cream shop right along the beach. It was perfect! But what to order? No problem! God had me covered there too. A pineapple vanilla float. I'm a moody eater, but God told me exactly what to get and I loved it. I spent the next two hours praying, listening, reading, and thanking as the Spirit led me. It was beautiful. The week that followed was so refreshing because I had opened my heart to a more subtle, constant communication with the Spirit. I've been listening and obeying, even when it's uncomfortable or doesn't make sense.

I've decided to go on weekly dates with God, because it's a concrete reminder to me that relationships don't build themselves, and God deserves all my time anyway. Tomorrow we're going out again. I'm not sure where yet, but I do know that I'll love it. Because God loves me.

 I challenge you to try it too! 

Get out of the house, out of your environment with all its habits and distractions. Let God take you somewhere you've never been. Sit across the table from him and look into his eyes. Let him tell you more about himself.

I know he will:)

Beginning.

I'm an artist. Every now and then I get the urge to write something really witty and fantastic. But not often. Mostly I write about the revelations I have, or the things that have been revealed to me - however you want to say it. Recently I did just that and shared what I'd written with a friend. She responded by enthusiastically assuring me of how encouraged she was by it, and that I should "be one of those blogger people". So here I am.

I never really got into "those blogger people" because I didn't understand how anyone could have the time to sit down and blog. What's more, who actually takes the time to sit down and read what someone else has had the time to blog about? Certainly not I, said the cat. However, I've found that writing can be therapeutic. It helps me to sort my thoughts out, and, as a matter of fact, sometimes I quite amuse myself in the process. So I've decided to blog. Because the things I find worth writing about are things I think are worth reading about as well, even though I may be the only one to ever look back over the glowing print. Then again, I might not be.

So if you find the things I say worthwhile, I appreciate your time!

Here I am.

One of those blogger people.