Sorry, not sorry.

"I am sorry that I hurt you, even though I didn't mean to..

Even though I think it's a little ridiculous that you're hurt..

I'm sorry."

When you hurt someone, it's important to apologize for hurting them even if you don't think that what you did was hurtful.  Even if you think they're a crybaby - that they should get over it.  Regardless of whether that is true or not, it doesn't  change the fact that you did hurt them.  They are hurt. And that is something worth being sorry for.

Look them in the eyes when you do man up to apologize because they are worth your time and attention. People are worth it. It's hard, uncomfortable, and frankly a little embarrassing to look at the people we hurt, and admit that we hurt them.

But it is also brave. 

It is impressive. It is mature. It is right.

I teach first graders.  They hurt each other a lot.  I cannot tell you how many times a day some child comes up to me, often trailed closely by their persecutor, to tell me how they've been hurt.  The person they accuse always has a rebuttal, and it comes out like a flood before the first crying child can even finish:

"No I didn't! That wasn't me! Well, I didn't mean to.. I didn't see them there. They got in the way; it was an accident! I didn't even know!!" 

Blame shuffles and flies faster than a deck of cards.  Both children desperately trying to present and plead their cases.  You know what I do next?  You know the only way to resolve the problem?  That accused child needs to apologize. Even if it was an accident.  Because regardless of how unintentional and "harmless" the things we do and say may seem to us, the fact is that they can still hurt other people.

Sometimes what we said or did to hurt them is 100% true, or even deserved, so we don't feel the need to say sorry.  Why should we?  We are right, after all, and it's not our fault that they can't handle a little tough love.

Perhaps.

We could all stand to grow a little. Yes, maybe it was a truth that they needed to hear.  Maybe they need to grow a thicker skin.

But it still hurt.

And that very hurt is what I make my children apologize for.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you. I didn't mean to hurt you. It was an accident.  Will you forgive me?"

And if my children are especially brave, we take it a step further and ask,

"How can I make it better?" 

Because that is selfless.  That is kind. That is generous.
You know what happens next?  It is beautiful.  And it happens without fail.  The apologizing child breaks a little.  They mumble, and hang their head.  Then the crying child softens too, and they embrace their offender, and they say,

"It's okay, I forgive you."

Now this doesn't come naturally either, because we are spiteful, bitter, grudge-prone people. But this too can be overcome.

Forgive, and do so quickly. Love, and do so freely.  My first graders are learning to do that.

Unfortunately, the story doesn't always end so well.  Sometimes I have a student who stands stone-faced while their classmate cries.

Resolute.  

Unfeeling. 

Not sorry. 

"I did nothing wrong," they declare defiantly, "They are overreacting, and I don't need to say I'm sorry." 

That child - that cold, unrepentant child - they are answered by a swift trip to the timeout chair where they will stay until they become sorry, or at least become willing to say that they are.

Why?

Because if they can walk away without owning up to the damage they've done, however unintentional or deserved it may have been, then they will grow up to be teenage bullies, and selfishly unkind adults. They will destroy empathy within themselves. They will cease to feel. They will become proud, stubborn, and mean.

And that is a most truly terrifying thought.