Yesterday I sat broken before God in a beach access parking
lot in my little blue cavalier. I know life isn't fair. “I have told you these
things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart! I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33. I know it's not about
me. "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the
glory of God." - 1 Corinthians 10:31 and "Do nothing out of selfish
ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,
not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the
others." - Philippians 2:3-4. I know that it doesn’t matter what people
have done to me, I need to forgive them. “Bear with each other and forgive one
another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord
forgave you.” – Colossians 3:13. And I know God’s perfect love is all I truly
need.
But Lord, I’ve been wounded!
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my
power is made perfect in weakness.’“ 2 Corinthians 12:9
That was my heart to heart with God in a nutshell – me
acknowledging his perfection to his face and begging for his grace to heal me
because people have left me bleeding.
It’s not fair.
It’s not. But I had told a 5-year-old that very same
afternoon that life wasn’t fair, and we had to make the best of it (she was
losing to her classmates at a game of word bingo – don’t think I’m running a
Kindergarten boot camp or something…) My own words.. yet again.
This is where it gets exciting.
After holding me in the car, and whispering in my ear “It
will be okay. I am enough. You’re fine. You’re fine. You’re fine.” God drew me
out of my metal shelter and onto the beach of cold, sticking sand and a wild,
whipping gale. I sat with Him on the steps, cradling my face in my hands. I
stared at the ground beneath me. Silent. I allowed the Lord to take the stage,
and with every gust of wind He caressed my heart: “I want to be close to you.
I’m always right here waiting. I want to reveal myself to you. You just need to
sit with me.” Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. “I want you to see me. I love
you.” Every gust, every word – they surrounded me and golden lights danced
across my lashes.
“Get up and find a stone,” He said.
So I did.
And into that stone I poured my pain, my sadness, my
distrust, my jealousy, my disgust, my contempt, my hatred. I clutched it
between my palms, my eyes fixed on the tumultuous waves before me – they were a
reflection of my heart at that moment. They illustrated the emotions I was
releasing, and the bondage I was being released from. Suddenly, I was free.
With a swift, sweeping motion I hurled the stone to be swallowed by the
thundering swells.
And it was gone.
A smile spread across my face as I slowly turned and began
to trudge back up to the stairs. My feet sunk in the sand as I did and God
said, “The world will weigh and pull on you, but I have made you strong.” The
wind swirled around my legs and God said, “The enemy, he is the prince of the
power of the air, but he holds no power over you. You are mine.”
Now, whenever I feel those negative thoughts creeping in, I
slam the door in their faces because I cast them out to sea. They hold no power
over me now. I’ve been filled with better things: love, joy, and peace.
